The First of Many Posts About *cough* Feminism!

Feminism is a dirty word.

Well, it's not, but I really only came to experience the true ugliness of it's misconception more recently.  I was doin my thing on fb, perusing the news feed, and I came upon a video about feminism and the "disposable male," posted by a dude friend.  It peaked my interest, so I decided to see what it was all about.  I hit play, and on the screen  am greeted with the most scornful, sour looking woman.  She began talking, and in between scoffs, she expressed her contempt for feminists and their horrible male-hating selfish ways and all about how men don't have choices in their behaviour, so why should women demand them?  Reluctantly, and actually quite angrily, I made myself sit through the whole thing and try to understand what she was saying.  The negative energy was so great, and the scoffing so copious, that it was a very, very difficult 16 minutes.  Especially a 16 minutes speckled with bitterness from someone who a) is a woman, b) is bitter about the very movement that has fought to give her rights, c) seems to think she really does know all there is to know, d) gives of the air of an unwillingness to listen to another viewpoint besides her own.  Naturally taken back by her woman-hating bitterness, I responded.  And oh, did I respond.  And ohhhhhh did I get a response in return.  It seems that while I have been preoccupied with exploring the nature of my gender and the psychological  make-up of our patterns of behaviour, there has also been another camp.... who really think that feminism is a dirty word, and that feminists are horrible people.

So let's back up.  I had mentioned in a previous post that I have been wondering about being a girl since I have been very young. I had a close friend in 4th grade, and she was what my mom would call a wild child. She began smoking in 5th grade, and was sexually active by the 8th grade.  In high school, my closest friends developed eating disorders.  Others dated burn-outs, or guys who were clearly not good for them, or were just wildly unstable and highly emotional, even as friends. Others used their sexuality like dog treats to reward boys for good behavior.  Basically, when I was growing up, I noticed that all the girls I knew were about 68 kinds of crazy, and those were only the ones I knew.  The dudes I made friends with (many of whom remain some of my best friends, I love you guys. :) meanwhile developed into stable young adults, and rarely seemed to become even half as lost as my girlfriends.  I realize that teens in both genders span the spectrum of totally lost and out of control to stable and put-together... but there were an awful lot of girls with some pretty insane issues.... everywhere. So I began reading all about women and girls, and haven't stopped.  I'm not even sure I've really made a dent.

But the bottom line is: we are about a million kinds of effed up.

So my question, of course, is why.  And there is no good answer.  I could say it's the media's portrayal of women for my friends with eating disorders, and I could also say it's daddy issues for the girls who used sexuality to get attention, and I could say that gender roles kept some girls from coming back to the wrong guys and putting up with their crap, but what I think all of these girls hae in common is the issue of self-esteem.  The me who existed before this past year is rolling her eyes right now.
"That's so selfish.  All they want is attention, and it's ridiculous.  They just want a dude to tell them how wonderful and beautiful they are and grow up!  It's out there, ladies!  All the good dudes, all the happy feelings of self fulfillment!  Figure it out!" is probably what I would have said...
But!  Current me has realized that these girls really are suffering.   They're suffering from whatever deep, dark thing is eating at them and pulling them in to make them believe that they're not worth it.  I'm not saying that they are completely helpless, because I am not a fan of "life victims" who choose not to help themselves, but I am saying that the pain they're feeling is real.  It's not all an act.  Then I began thinking about all of the lives of my friends, what their childhoods were like.  A good deal were sexually assaulted, some were victims of divorce, estranged fathers, unstable family lives. And all this we know, it's not news.  And that's what we're left with.  And I don't know that anyone really knows where to go from there.

Since we got engaged, feminism in wife form has been at the front of my mind... all the time. As soon as planning started, little references to my new "role," have been tossed around.  One example was a reference about how I have to "take care of" future hubs as his new wifey.  This is all fine and good, but he also takes care of me, which in this scenario, seemed to be particularly underplayed.  Please don't roll your eyes at this point and say "uh, I think you're taking it a bit too far..."  because I know it was there.  Do you ever walk into a room and you know people are talking about you?  It's like that feeling.  You can't explain the exact body language and tone of voice or the silence, but you know it's there. I just feel like I've entered this world where two people dating is modern enough and works, but the word wife still carries gender stereotypes hidden in it's cupboards. Part of my research has been through APW, which I brought up in my first post and has been totally awesome.  There is a whole section called reclaiming wife, which addresses this very issue, and they are amazing.

All that being said, feminism never ceases to perplex me.  I think I have been really wrapped up in finding a common ground with EVERY woman, which is probably never going to happen.  I think secretly I've been pining for a universal group therapy session in which we ALL (women) sit down and say to ourselves, "Okay, so let's figure this thing out.  How are we going to represent ourselves in a way that makes sense?  We have been at this whole equality thing for a little while now, and I think it's high time we decide who does what so that no one is unintentionally being degraded or not demanding their rights while remaining respectful and loving to the other half... No nonsense."  And then we would all sort it out and really understand each other.  Once I discovered this secret wish to understand everyone in my gender, I did understand that this would never happen.  Not every man understands every other man, so why should that be any different for women?  Such is life.  I suppose the only thing really left to do is to continue having this conversation about what is expected, what is realistic, and what needs to change. And also, to keep reading.

On Being a Religious Free-Agent

The old saying goes like this:

"My mother told me to never talk about three things: religion, politics, and money."

My mother never actually told me that (her rule is if it needs to be talked about, it will be talked about, which I am very thankful for). That being said, I realize it’s a sensitive issue, so please take this with a grain of salt, as this is just one woman’s path of exploration and very honest feelings on her experiences.  

Religion goes a little something like this for me: being raised Catholic has been something with which I have settled for a long time.  I have always known I was settling.  And I am not talking about settling in terms of getting cozy with the idea, I am talking about in terms of remaining Catholic, but not in a comfortable or sustaining way. I have always had little inklings of an uncertainty in my mind.  My parents are great Catholics and sent me to religious education, but I continued to feel like I was being run through the mill of all these life markers that I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted, but not sure that I didn’t want, either.  What I learned in religious educaton never translated to something that I felt.  It was still just more information about a religion to which I was supposed to belong.   I am sure that there are plenty of "cradle catholics" that have felt this way... settling for what was being taught and not really grasping fully the goings on with your whole self.  I want to make clear that this is no one's fault.  Religion is a really personal thing, and that's something I think most can agree on.  Similar to building any relationship, it takes time and commitment.  And even though you want them to, sometimes things just don't click.  As I went through high school, I learned about other religions and did a little research here and there, but ultimately I ended up settling again.  I reasoned that I didn't have to be comfortable with everything, that I could make it my own regardless.  Instead of that, I ended up not really participating at all.  I've been drifting along, with an occasional prayer, in whatever I've established to be my own semi-functional spiritual existence. 

After the engagement, I started to plan for everything. And I mean Everything.  If you know me well enough, you know that this is unusual. Getting engaged, however, has been different. Not only am I absolutely thrilled to be marrying my best friend and my favorite person in life, but I get to plan a rad party so everyone can celebrate how awesome we are. Pretty sweet.  So after stumbling upon the issue of ceremony a few times, I realized that it's high time I pick up the situation of my religious inklings and resolve it once and for all.  I need to figure out where I fit.  I'm an adult, and I have some level of spirituality happening, but it doesn't really have a home.  I honestly think I have been really lucky to be a musician, because on some level, music sustains that rather neglected aspect of my life. I do, however, need a home for it now.  I'm not going to go into the deeper layers of the uncertainty(discomfort?) I have with Catholicism, but I will say that there is one issue that has become particularly important to me, especially since the engagement, and that issue is feminism.  I don't burn my bras and I am not a man-hater by any stretch of the imagination.  In fact, I have often claimed to understand dudes way better than I understand a lot of women.  But I have always wondered about being a girl, since I was pretty young. What that means for me, for other girls, right now. My catholic upbringing has also clashed with some of my most basic beliefs about being a girl: that we should have an equal part.  Men and woman are totally different creatures, but there's a reason it takes two: and that is because we're a team, which my wonderful parents have always exemplified through the years. And not a team that defines its roles by a generalized and stereotyped model, but one that works for the talents of two people, whatever people they may be.  Men in Catholicism are in all of the leadership positions, even though religious education of children has traditionally been a woman’s responsibility.  We end up getting stuck with all of the responsibility and none of the power.  I’m not at all calling for an entirely female clergy, that’s not something I agree with, either.  Excluding men would only perpetuate the problem.  I want to find a place where equality is built into the system. We don’t harp on it, we don’t have to even think about it, but it just exists.  

I recently read a book called “Dance of the Dissident Daughter” by one of my favorite authors, Sue Monk Kidd.  I found it while looking for more books of hers, and because after reading the description, I thought, “Oh!  That’s me!”  The book goes into Sue’s transformation from being a “good little wife/lady/daughter/mother,” to really understanding what she needed in her life, and to taking care of her spiritual needs as a woman, which tend to be largely undernourished and sacrificed for everyone else’s needs.  This is a theme, in our culture and society. When I think about all of these roles, the good wife, the good daughter, the good mother, it is the sacrifice that comes to mind.  All of the women I have known who have done their absolute best to fulfill these roles sacrifice everything they have endlessly.  When a woman gives endlessly, there’s often little room to take for herself.  In my young and inexperienced life, I have still lived enough to see the maddening effects of endless giving of yourself.  If you don't take care of yourself, as well, you'll wither, and no one will get the care they need.

This is why it’s important to me to change.  It’s not something I can gloss over and settle for, in any aspect of my life.  That doesn’t mean I’m going to never wear a dress again and demand that my man get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich, because that’s not what it’s about.  It’s about respect, options, and choices.  If all of my decisions can come from a knowing, observant, and representative place, I can begin to change what it is I want for my own daughter, and for my son.  It’s also a weighty feeling, realizing that all of these decisions need to be carefully thought out, because they will be everything my own kids, when I do have them, experience in the world for their first years, and probably set the stage for the rest of their lives.

At the encouragement of my Dad, who has been ridiculously awesome through all of this (I know he is not such a fan of my explorations, even though he knows I have to do what I have to do) I have been doing a lot of reading up on feminists within the Catholic church... and let me tell you, it's quite a scene. From what I have gathered, there are a lot of women who know what they believe and remain in the Catholic church, but are constantly at odds with it. I've read a great number of articles titled: "Feminist Catholicism," and by the end of nearly every article, I am always left with the feeling that there really is no resolution. All this discussion and research has given me a few things to take away, though.  1) Few people, if any are ever really perfectly in tune with their religious institution of choice. 2) Ancient traditions are ancient and unchanging for reasons, and mostly likely good reasons, whether you agree with them or not. 

I don't think I realized all the things my parents taught me by example as I was growing up.  Their marriage taught me that parents are a team, no matter what.  My mom's own thoughts on religion taught me that you need to make it your own and believe what you believe whole-heartedly. My dad taught me that tradition can be something powerful that roots you in a profoundly deep meaning.  Both of my parents taught me, in their own very unique and different ways, about the very personal make-up of spirituality.

Spirituality is something that I believe is innate.  You don’t need a book, a religious institution, or a community to show you the wonders of the world.  You do this on your own.  Everything you learn as a child is new and exciting, and many times, absolutely wondrous (peek-a-boo, anyone?).  I believe that spirituality’s center is wonderment. You begin to develop a sense that there is something greater and more amazing at work than yourself and the people you know.  For some, it’s nature, science, and nothing more.  For others, it’s God, for still others, it’s some unknown higher power. Either way, you have a sense that there is something bigger and more powerful than yourself.  Maybe it means origin, maybe it means chance, maybe it means perfection. Regardless, spirituality is not taught, it’s felt. 

My unforgivably romantic notions about figuring out what one does with one’s life absolutely involve wonderment and joy, and doing “what feels right.” I believe that I was gifted with a strong sense of intuition (thanks mom :)  and although I have the common sense and humility to know I am not right even close to 100% of the time about things in general, I strongly feel that if something feels right, as in really, deep down, gut feeling, completely, undeniably, and honestly right, then it probably is, and you should keep doing that thing. This is why I have gone and gotten two degrees in music, which many would argue is a waste of money.  I have a hunch, though, that it really was a good place for me, because I’m kind of making it work. I think the same is at least a good place to start for figuring out what I’m doing spiritually. I’ve got a few ideas about what I know feels absolutely right to me, and what nurtures my soul and inspires me. I think if I start there, I’ll be able to really find my center and figure out where I belong in all of this. 

I’ve talked with my brother about some of this, and he’s whole-heartedly insisted I read Nietzche.  Nietzche also said “God is dead,” but I’m going to trust my bro and start the book.  So, in the spirit of Nietzche, here’s a quote I like better:

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privelage of owning yourself."

~Nietzche